Happy Canadian Thanksgiving,
It is all fine and well to believe perfectionism doesn’t exist yet simultaneously strive for it anyways, until it completely consumes everything that you thought you willingly did. I completed gradschool, therefore I have been privy to the questionably unhealthy manipulative tactics that students use to self-validate in a “humble brag” sort of competitive way. I am sadly not exempt from this. At times though, it really is unconscious. Capital gain, credentialism, survival of the fittest, living with your parents forever, ‘may the best [wo]man win’…these all subconsciously infiltrate our minds in ways that significantly alter how we behave. In my life, it finally got to a point where I stopped celebrating the small successes, in pursuits of bigger ones. And I can’t be satisfied until I know that I am not last in the race. This indirectly translates to, “I cannot be happy unless I know that I am not the unhappiest.” What really is the worst of it all is, I can’t be honest about it without feeling either guilty for sharing, or for fear that someone might judge me. It is precisely why I’ve decided to comment now on it.
I went bungy/bungee jumping (why are there two spellings…?) this past weekend, and to say the very least, it was underwhelming haha. I spent so long convincing myself it was terrifying and I was incapable of making that (literal) leap. Then I realized it was not scary, but blew it up to be this life changing event of gratitude. It really wasn’t haha. It was fun, very very fun, and I did it with two great friends (hey there if you’re reading this!) but it did not become what I had thought it would represent. Instead, dinner at a dingy “hole-in-the-wall” restaurant, having an extremely honest conversation with a friend, is was solidified the experience for me.
There was graffiti on the walls of the restaurant but I could NOT for the life of me think up of what to write. My friend Victoria said to think about what this trip signifies for me, and what am I looking to gain from it. I had to think for a second because in so many ways, it is providing me with so many lessons that I’ve been trying to learn. But to summarize what I hope it will do for me is:
Fast forward to a few hours ago when had a conversation with a friend about how I over analyze everything (which is true) which made me recall a conversation that I had months ago with a not-so-much-a-friend (hah) about how I overly analyze as a way to distract myself from what is really happening (still very true words). Immediately after that conversation I logged onto facebook, and read this article on my newsfeed:
And now I am here sharing the link and giving way too much information over the internet haha. I guess the difference is I do not expect nor do I want anything in return. I obviously hope someone will get something out of it, otherwise I wouldn’t have shared. I just assume that I can’t be the only person out there completely obsessing about the “what’s next” phenomenon.
What I hope to achieve is a sense of presence in my life. I think in the third person, externally analyzing what I do more than experience it. I find short thrills exciting and rewarding, but mostly distracting of the everyday drone. I doubt that “normal” monotonous life will ever captivate me because I’m always looking for the spontaneous, the new, the sexy, the wow, and I forget how to find all of those things in the everyday. I think life really should have all of those things, but what I hope to learn (in what I hope will be a long long life), is how to achieve that perspective in my own everyday, and not in my escapisms.
I learned very young that the best way to be successful is to market your skills well. I think somewhere along that path I took a turn from enhancing to creating. To some extent, we create ourselves to be who we want to be, hopefully based upon who we already are. For some years I felt like I was creating myself to be someone I don’t think that I am, but rather someone I thought I should be, to survive.
So then, what am I really saying here? I’m not quite sure. Welcome to Crystal’s chaotic mind. I guess what I am trying to say is:
- I am grateful for who I have become, and forgive myself for my shortcomings because in actuality my weaknesses are also my strengths.
- I accept that I cannot be what/who everyone wants me to be to them. I also cannot expect everyone to be everything to me.
- I appreciate those in my life no matter how frequent or rare those meetings might be. I will not take duration of time spent personally.
- I am enough for what I need.
Is it ironic that a post that was meant initially to stop overthinking turned into a reflection that caused me to seriously overthink? haaaah well it’s a work in progress. Hope you enjoyed, and if not, then don’t worry it was only 1000 words of your wasted time =P
If stuff like this actually interests you, then I highly recommend this book: